Bad News
by feetonthemoon
Summary: "What is this?" She didn't answer and so he insisted again, "Lily, what is this?" She took a deep breath and, looking away from him, she finally spoke: "It's a pregnancy test."


She looked at it, struggling to believe what her eyes were telling her. _This isn't happening, please, this can't happen. Not now. _She was sitting on the border of the bathtub, holding the stupid white stick. How could something as harmless as a piece of plastic cause her so much pain? It wasn't the plastic's fault, she knew, but it was easier to blame it.

"Fuck," she said, and she wiped a few tears that were rolling down her cheeks.

_This wasn't how it was supposed to happen_. She liked thinking she had her whole life planned, and once upon a time she had, but she'd had to readjust her plans far too many times. When she was a little girl she dreamed of being a doctor and marrying a nice, intelligent man that would take her around the world before settling down and having two gorgeous children. Then she learned that she was a witch and she dreamed of becoming a healer, or working in the Ministry of Magic; maybe she'd marry Severus. After that, the war started and it changed everything again: Snape was definitely out of the picture, and all she wanted to do was fight; she couldn't stand there with her arms crossed. And finally, there was James. Only a few minutes ago her plan had been to end the war, marry James and have a kid -in that order- but now her dreamed future was obsolete, yet again.

She tried to imagine how she would explain everything that had happened to her eight-year-old self. _You're a witch, you can do magic. You will become friends with Severus Snape, the boy Tuney thinks is weird. He's a wizard. Tuney will hate you because you're a witch. You'll go to a magic school that's an actual castle. You'll meet a lot of people there. You will find James Potter really annoying. There will be a war and you will be hunted down along with others for having non-magical parents. Severus Snape will turn his back on you because of this. You will fight for your rights, even if it will be extremely hard and dangerous. You will fall in love with James Potter..._

"… and you will carry his child," she finished her thought out loud. "Fuck."

She couldn't do it. She couldn't bring a child into that world. _It wouldn't be fair for the kid,_ she thought. _Or for us,_ she added, with a pang of guilt. She hated herself for thinking about it that way, but she had to be sensible; a baby in those circumstances would only mean one more weakness. And it wasn't just that. Both of them were in a very delicate situation, Lily being a muggle-born and James being a blood traitor or, as he would call it, _a decent human being. _They could be killed any day now, and where would that leave the child? They would probably kill him as well, and if they didn't he would be an orphan and who knows what would happen to him.

Lily didn't hear the keys or the door opening, so she was startled to see James walking into the bathroom. She realised what a mess she must look like, with tears flowing freely from her red eyes down her red cheeks and nose. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, but there was no point in hiding the fact that she had been crying. James sat down next to her and grabbed her hand.

"What happened?" he asked softly, waiting for the too familiar news of a new attack, and the death of one or more friends. He didn't want to push her, but it must have been something pretty serious if she was in that state and his mind was starting to picture horrible scenarios, and so he gave her hand an encouraging squeeze.

She couldn't talk; she was physically unable to open her mouth and tell James what she had to tell him. Instead, she just handed him the little white stick she was still holding tightly. James looked at it puzzled.

"What is this?" She didn't answer and so he insisted again, "Lily, what is this?"

She took a deep breath and, looking away from him, she finally spoke: "It's a pregnancy test."

She needn't say it was positive.

"What are we going to do?" he asked after a few moments of silence.

"We can't have it, not like this," she answered with a security she did not possess.

"Yeah, no, I know," Lily didn't have to explain anything to James, he knew the risks.

He sniffed softly and Lily turned to face him. For a few seconds she was surprised to see him cry and only then it hit her: _It's his child too_. And then she started crying again, but this time James was there to hold her. For some reason it made her feel even worse.

"It's my fault," she managed to say while sobbing.

"Oh, come on, now that's not true. You know perfectly well I had at least a small part in all of this," that was his way of dealing with things: make jokes out of what he could and try to lighten the mood. Most times it worked. This time it didn't.

"That's not what I mean," Lily tried to compose herself, so that she could speak clearly. "If it wasn't for me you'd be with some nice, pure-blood witch, and she'd be the one pregnant and you would be having a baby. But instead you are being labelled a traitor because you're here with a stupid… Mudblood. It's my fault, James, I'm sorry."

By the time she was done talking she was crying again. James looked at her, eyes wide in disbelief.

"I honestly don't know where to start with that," he stated carefully, trying to remain calm. "First of all, don't ever call yourself that. And second, if you didn't exist, I would still be a traitor in their eyes, okay? Sirius would still be basically at war with his family, which incidentally are one of Voldemort's strongest supporters, and Remus would still be a werewolf. And her mother is –was– a muggle, so he's a double threat for them. I'd still be friends with them, so I'd still qualify as a traitor. And even if I didn't know any of you, even if I hated every single one of you, I would still be against Voldemort, because he is wrong and he is sick and he is a monster. So it's not your fault, okay, Lily? Look at me," he took her hands into his own and she turned to him. "It's his fault."

She nodded unsure as James tried in vain to wipe away some of her tears.

"And about that nice, pure-blood witch-"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"I'm sure she's very nice and all, but I don't want her," he went on, ignoring her, "I want you. And I don't want her kid either, I want yours."

"I do too," she admitted, without even thinking about it.

Her words hung in the air for a few moments, and suddenly James eyes brightened up, "then let's do it."

"What?"

James stood up, excitement preventing him from keeping still.

"Let's have the baby," he wasn't crying anymore, and he had a smile upon his face, but his eyes were still red, and his cheeks were still wet. "Fuck the risks. There's never going to be a right time. We'll keep him safe. We can do it, you and I."

"But, James-"she started, but stopped midsentence. She allowed herself to imagine, for a second, what it would be like to have the baby. She pictured James, the baby and her, and they were all happy. Then she shook the thought out of her brain. "James, it's too dangerous, for the baby and for us."

"Lily, people are still having babies!"

"I know, but we're in a particularly dangerous place with what being in the Order and whatnot."

"There are people who are in the exact same situation and having a child."

"Really?" Lily asked without believing a single word of what he was saying.

"Yes!"

"And who might they be?"

James looked down embarrassed. "I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me because they don't exist!" she cries, outraged. "I can't believe you're doing this. You're just trying to make a point, aren't you?"

"I'm not! I mean, I am, but I'm not lying, it's all true!"

"Then tell me who they are?" she was starting to get sick of going in circles.

"I promised not to tell…" James looked at her and her eyes, red and green and watery, and he couldn't go on. "Fine, but you'll act surprised, yeah?"

She still didn't believe him.

"Alice is pregnant."

"What?!" She squeaked.

"Frank told me yesterday. I wasn't supposed to tell you; Alice wants to surprise you. She'll hex me if she finds out. Please don't tell her," he explained.

James could see Lily thinking, her resolution already faltering.

"For Merlin's sake, we shouldn't stop living our lives because of Voldemort; that would just be giving him what he wants."

"We're not having a baby to make a statement," she replied curtly.

"You're twisting my words, Lily. That's not what I said and you know it. Think for a second, and tell me: do you honestly not want to have the baby? If you're sure about it, then I'm with you a hundred percent. But can you honestly tell me that you don't want it?" He paused, and even though she didn't say anything he knew she did want to have the baby. She was terrified of the whole thing, of course, and so was he, but they couldn't let fear rule them. "I know we can do it." He was now kneeling down, with his hands on Lily's knees. "I will never let anything happen to you or the baby, and I know that neither will you. As far as that monster is concerned, this baby is untouchable," he rested his hand on her belly.

For the first time in hours Lily cracked a smile, although a shy one, and James knew that everything would be fine. "Let's do it," she said, and leaned on to kiss him as she had never kissed him before. She knew she loved him, but sometimes, like just then, she became so fully aware of the fact, that it pained her to do anything else but kiss him and hold him close.

"We can turn the spare room into the baby's room," James suggested once their lips had parted.

"What about Remus?" Lily wondered, and then, as an afterthought, she added, "and Sirius?"

The spare room was a small bedroom with just a bed, a table and one or two shelves. Occasionally, after a particularly foul full moon, they would insist on Remus staying there to take care of him. He would not always agree, insisting that he did not want to inconvenience anyone, but sometimes he let them look after him. Sirius used it, too, when he was too drunk to apparate home, or when he was feeling lonely in his flat.

James smiled at Lily's concern. "They can still use the couch," he answered and kissed her lightly on the lips. "Besides, with the Wolfsbane potion pretty soon Remus might not need to be taken care of at all."

"I can't believe we're actually doing this!" Lily suddenly stood up and wrapped her arms around James. "We're having a baby," she whispered, more to herself than to him.

James pulled softly apart from the hug to look at Lily's eyes. _Merlin, I hope the baby has her eyes_.

"Will you wait here for a second?" James asked.

Lily nodded and said "yes". He flashed her a gorgeous smile and left the bathroom. Lily turned around to face the mirror and check her state. Her whole face was puffy and red, but she couldn't stop grinning. They were actually going to have a baby. James was right; they couldn't put their lives on hold until Voldemort went away, because who knew when that would happen? It would be risky, there were no doubts about that, but it would be worth it.

Suddenly, James appeared in the reflection, leaning against the doorframe. Lily turned to face him and he came closer to her. He grabbed both her hands. He was trying to be serious, but Lily could feel the smile leaking through his lips. She sensed he was nervous too.

"I was going to wait for your birthday," he started, "but, given the unexpected turn of events, I cannot wait any longer and so I'm doing this now."

Lily looked down to James' hands as he held a small box covered in red velvet. She knew exactly what was inside.

"Yes!" she blurted out.

"Will you at least let me ask you first?" he tried to sound annoyed but the grin across his face gave him away.

"Sorry."

Both of them were smiling and, even though they looked terrible after having cried, they were the most beautiful things each other had seen in their short lives.

"Lily Evans, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" She closed the small distance between them and hugged him. "I love you" she said quietly against his ear. They pulled apart and kissed.

"I love you too," he replied, both of them resting against each other's foreheads. "That'll be good for Emily; parents that love each other I mean."

"Emily? So it's a girl, then?" she teased him.

"Of course it's a girl!"

"And may I ask how exactly do you know?"

"A father always knows." Lily detected a pride in the way that James had said "father" that made her feel warm inside, and she couldn't help but smile. "I'm still not sure about the name, though."

"Don't worry, we have time."

And for the first time in months they didn't think about the war and about the world falling apart all around them. They didn't think about the fallen and the ones that were sure to fall before the end. They only thought about them and the baby, and for the first time in months they were genuinely and truly happy.


End file.
